Sorry You Asked

Okay, I’m a coward. I keep getting asked: “Hey, Linda! How are book sales going?” And my answer is – I don’t want to know.

Really. I have obsessive tendencies. This is not an official diagnosis by any medical practitioners. It’s never been necessary to pay anyone to point out this personality flaw. As soon as you realize you’re the kind of person who has to make her bed every morning the nanosecond she rolls out of it, or that you tidy up your desk several times a day, and set goals that you then keep (a chapter a week!), you’re kind of onto yourself.

It’s the reason I never smoked cigarettes. I knew I’d immediately become a five-pack a day smoker. It’s why I’m better off with diets that drop pounds fast so I can jump on the scale every half hour. And why I make lists. Lots of lists. My biggest thrill in life is crossing items off lists.

So the last thing I need to do is start checking Amazon for my ranking. I have no idea what rankings mean or how to check them, and that’s just the way we’re going to leave it. I don’t want to read reviews on Barnes and Noble. Don’t want to check Goodreads. I can see it now. Randy walks in the door at night…

RANDY: Honey, is there any particular reason why you’re in a fetal position on the floor?

LINDA: I’ve gone three whole days without any clicks on YouTube!

I suppose I could make up some snappy answers to the How are book sales going? question – if for no other reason than to hear the response.

LINDA: Through the roof!

RESPONSE: That’s nice.

LINDA: In the toilet!

RESPONSE: That’s nice.

Maybe it won’t matter. Maybe nobody really cares and just think they’re supposed to ask me about sales, that it’s the polite thing to do. And after whatever I say – “I’m killin’ ’em in Cleveland!” – we can move onto something else.

Ohhh, that’d be nice.

16 / October / 2011  Uncategorized 

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